The Different Kinds of People That There Are (At Whitman!)
By Sam Alden
People Who Have Just Started Whatever Book You’re Talking About
Oh, Gravity’s Rainbow? I just picked that up. Pynchon’s great, man. Dense stuff, but so rewarding. Cat’s Cradle? Awesome, yeah, I’m just getting into that. Such an important figure in American literature. Pride & Prejudice? A lot of people think Austen’s strictly for women. Completely untrue.
People Who Wear Raincoats Into The Silent Room And Then Cross And Uncross Their Arms A Lot
When your last-minute cram session has a soundtrack by Kid Koala, one of these guys is to blame.
People Who Are Racial Minorities
Camera shy? This is the wrong place for you. Prepare to find yourself on every brochure, website photo, and greeting card that Whitman produces. Bonus points if you enjoy playing Frisbee or engaging in animated debate in the golden sunlight over Ankeny field. How about a yarmulke? Could you try on this yarmulke?
People Who Are From The East Coast
I’m intimidated by these people because for whatever reason they’ve chosen to leave the Ye Olde Enchanted Kingdom of Collegeland, U.S.A, and instead now attend one of the three liberal arts schools in the entire Northwest. What incredible New Englandy brainpowers must they be concealing? Have they read Proust? Shit, they’ve probably read Proust. And they live in a trendy loft in Soho and they’re scornful of my backwoods ways, I just know it.
People Who Are Constantly Apologizing For Being Involved In Greek Life
Look, really, it’s okay. Nobody judges.
People Who Have Never Apologized For Being Involved In Greek Life
I don’t mean to suggest that you start. You guys are fine.
People Who Absolutely Refuse To Admit That There Is Anything About Greek Life That Might Ever Have To Be Apologized For
Yeah, you I worry about.
People Who You Will See Exactly Once In Your Four Years At Whitman
Maybe they happen to live way off-campus and you’re in Organic Chemistry and they’re an RFS major and neither of you are in any of the same clubs. Whatever the reason, you recognize these people instantly because you have never ever seen them before, and they’re never seen you before, and you’re standing in line for a wrap or maybe walking along Main Street and your eyes will meet and you’ll both know that this moment is absolutely unique in both of your lives and then you shall continue on and never, never see one another again. These people are all named Eric.
People Who Don’t Totally Understand What ASWC Does Or Stands For
I’m sure not one of these people.
People Who Preface Their Opinions With “I Feel”
Whitman students are very nice to each other, and I honestly appreciate that. But this insidious phrase has the ability to wimpify an entire conversation, and reduce what could be a lively debate to a congenial exchange of vague emotions. You can feel regret or nostalgia: you can’t feel an opinion.
That one wasn’t really funny but it needed to be said.
People Who Use Their Experience On The Debate Team For Evil
In contrast to the aforementioned well-intentioned but wishy-washy emoters, these people are the intellectual equivalent of those kids in middle school who would shove you into the bark chips, call you gay and steal your Gogurt just because they could. The ability to logically prove to me that up is down and that the best option for the economy would be to enslave the homeless is admittedly pretty impressive, but dude, couldn’t you just juggle or something?
People Who Get More Sleep Than I Do
They must have some secret, damn their eyes. Their lidded, slumbering eyes.
People Who Just Now Figured Out That Whitman Is Really White, Bland And Homogenous
In the fantasy world that these people would like to inhabit, a crowd of enraged, moderately liberal Whitman students would rise to their feet in protest of this outrageous contention, or else fall to their knees shaking with sobs for their lost sense of identity. Everybody knows this. We, too, do nothing to solve it.
People Who Read “The Pioneer”
Good for both of you!
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